I Am Now At Peace With Myself......

On Thursday, the 19th of January 2006 I received a heart wrenching phone call telling me my beloved grandmother had passed away. At that moment, my heart skipped a couple of beats and my life literally came crashing down. Until today, I had never full recovered from that loss, and I honestly never thought I would one day recover from that loss and accept the fact the woman who single handedly raised me up was gone.

Well, the most surreal thing happened to me while I was sleeping. You see when my grandmother passed away and I found out that I was not going to be able to attend her funeral, I was thrown into a dire state of depression which quite honestly, I never quite recovered from until today.

Since my grandmother passed away I've been listening to this song called "My Heaven" by Mary Chapin Carpenter. The lyrics basically express the thoughts of Woman who has "kicked the bucket" and is now in heaven, and is explaining to her loved ones what heaven is like and how they shouldn't cry for her becuse she is happy and pain free where she is.

Well, last night while I was asleep, For the first time since my grandmother died, I had a dream about my her. I was sitting somewhere crying and all sad about missing her and out of nowhere she came and sat next to me and was talking to me and we had a whole conversation. At the end of the conversation she sang that song to me. I cannot express all of the emotions I felt. it was a combination of love, joy, sorrow, happiness etc. every word of that song had a meaning and that was when I realized that my grandmother was in a better place. You see my grandmother passed away from a combination of old age (she was 92) and had certain medical conditions, chief among them being Nephropathy, a kidney condition. So before she passed away she had had to endure four (4) very painful dialysis of her kidneys, and a host of other medical procedures.

While she was singing, the smile on her face just said it all; She was HAPPY and AT PEACE with herself. At that moment I realized that there was no need to keep mourning . She is in a very very happy place and is content with her new home: Heaven. Finally, 15 months later, I am now at PEACE with MYSELF!

These are the lyrics of the song she sang to me....they might not mean much to you, but they mean the whole world to me!

Nothing shatters nothing breaks
Nothing hurts and nothing aches
I've got myself one helluva place in my heaven
Looking down at the world below
A bunch of whining, fighting people
Up here we got none of those, in my heaven

There's pools and lakes and hills and mountains
Music, art, and lighted fountains
Who needs bucks here, no one's counting, in my heaven
No one works, we all just play
We pick the weather everyday
If you change your mind, that's ok, in my heaven
Kalada's up here, grandpa too
In a condo with to-die-for views
There's presidents and movie stars
You just come as you are
No one's lost and no one's missing
No more partings just hugs and kissing
And all these stars are just for wishing, in my heaven

There's little white lights everywhere
Your childhood do in Dad's old chair
And more memories than my heart can hold
When Eva's singing "Fields of Gold"

There's neighbors, thieves and long lost lovers
villains, poets, kings and mothers
Up here we forgive each other, in my heaven
For every soul that's down there waiting,holding on, still hesitating
We say a prayer of levitating, in my heaven
You can look back on your life and lot
But it can't matter what you're not
By the time you're here, we're all we've got

In my heaven
In my heaven
In my heaven

O.I.U